“Courageous leadership is not fearless leadership. What makes you a leader is how you deal with your fears.” – Andy Hargreaves
It’s 2015 and I’m starting a new job where I’m responsible for two employees. My first position in personnel management. I finally have the opportunity to use the knowledge I acquired during my MBA.
Both employees are men close to retirement (over 60 years old). The first is a very gentle man who just wants to do his job quietly and who teaches me about water treatment. He works in a building not connected to the main plant building, so I go see him every morning to make sure everything is okay and I go back to see him when necessary. During the years I held this position until 2017, I never had a problem with him.
The other employee was a completely different story: he looked like Ernest in the 80s-90s movies , but if Ernest had wanted to be a tough guy. He was very dedicated to his job and had a lot of knowledge, but he had an ‘attitude’.
When I tried to explain my expectations to him, he would get confrontational with me. On my third day on the job, he came within an inch or two of my face in an act of insubordination. He was upset and I guess he wanted to intimidate me.
My first thoughts were: I’m just looking to collaborate with him and make sure he has all the tools he needs to do his job.
Why is this man so rude?
What is he trying to tell me?
What did I do wrong?
I was totally overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. I panicked and went to my boss, not knowing how to handle this situation. I explained the situation to him and said I wasn’t ready to deal with the hostility. I knew it would happen eventually, but I thought I had a few weeks to learn how to work with my employees before I would have to deal with that kind of reaction. He looked at me and said, ” You need to deal with this today .”
What ?
NOW ?
How do I do it?
He explained to me how I was to handle the situation and meet with him one-on-one later that day. Basically, he told me to always remain calm, to stick to the fact that I was the manager and he was an employee. I needed to explain to him the expectations of how to behave appropriately and the consequences if I didn’t meet those expectations.
Since I didn’t have a closed office, I met him in the cafeteria (in retrospect, not the best place to meet him) away from the other employees. It took 10-15 minutes and actually went very well.
Calmly, I set my expectations for behavior.
I explained to him that he could disagree with my decisions and express his opinion in a respectful manner, but that I would not accept bullying or disrespect. He told me that he understood that I was in charge and that he had to work within the framework that I established for his position.
It gave me so much confidence, and I knew right then and there that I could be a great manager because I had shown courage in the face of adversity… by my third day.
Although this situation went well, the entire time this employee was under my supervision was a challenge. Yes, he understood my role and followed through on my initial request for several weeks after our discussion.
But every few weeks or months I had to ‘deal’ with him again. After a while it wore me down and I no longer had the same willpower to confront him every time. So I used another tactic, which is not recommended…
He worked in chemical disposal and was not wearing his safety glasses. Every week I would see him with the glasses on his head instead of in front of his eyes. In retrospect, I should have disciplined him to make him follow internal rules, but I didn’t.
One day I went to see him and he was not at his workstation, but his safety glasses were on his desk. Good options to handle the situation were to either wait for him to return or take a picture to prove the violation and come back later to talk to him about it. I chose option 3 and decided to leave a note next to his safety glasses to let him know that I knew he had not followed my instructions.
Want to see a volcano erupt? That’s pretty much what happened!
He was so angry.
Also, my boss was not impressed.
Do you see the difference?
I was scared and didn’t want to confront him that day. No matter the reason behind this decision: tired of always rehearsing, not knowing how to handle the situation or not feeling 100%.
This kind of behavior is not handled remotely and should never be made public. Other employees could have seen the note I left and it could have caused harm to my employee. In hindsight, I completely understand his reaction and I learned a lot from this situation.
The takeaway from these examples is that everyone likes to manage easygoing employees who perform their tasks respectfully and help the team achieve its goals.
The true value of a manager or leader is revealed when challenges arise. I am a human being and while I have had to handle many difficult situations with employees that have led to awkward conversations, it is never pleasant.
It’s part of the job, though…
Being in charge is not a part-time job. It takes you a long time to build trust and respect, but you are one wrong move away from losing all that hard work.
Managing Difficult Conversations
Here are my keys to handling difficult conversations with a team member:
1- Treat the problem as soon as possible to prevent the situation from getting worse
- The worst thing you can do is to avoid the situation and let it happen. This is a fast track to losing the respect of your team and control of the situation.
2- Have the discussion away from other employees.
3- Always stay calm (even if your team members are agitated)
- It’s not personal, it’s professional.
- It’s normal for your employees to be emotional. By staying calm and asking them to do the same, while acknowledging how they’re feeling, it will be easier to find common ground and resolve the situation.
- Accepting agitation does not mean accepting disrespect or insubordination.
4- Stay factual.
5- If you are nervous and don’t think you can handle the situation, ask for help.
- Your boss or an HR representative can assist you during the meeting.
6- If you believe disciplinary action is necessary, always confirm the course of action with your boss and HR before moving forward.
- This will allow you to tell the employee who disagrees with your decision that they can discuss it with your boss or HR (even though they may already be aware of and agree with your decision).
7- If it is a disciplinary meeting, ask a union member or employee representative to be present.
8- When meeting behind closed doors with an employee, I advise you not to be alone with the employee. Also, do not close the blinds.
My secret is to use your moral compass and ask yourself this question: If the roles were reversed, how would I have liked the situation to be handled?
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Need help improving your management skills or building a positive culture within your team? Don’t hesitate to contact me. I’ll be happy to listen to you and provide you with the tools you need for the future.
Never forget: how does your mood impact your performance and overall attitude? Imagine if all your employees or co-workers were happy…
Carl-Michael Tessier – Coach in high-performance team development and tailor-made support
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