“A good leader should always lead by example.”
We’ve all heard that before.
It sounds simple…
Until it becomes difficult.
Because leading by example isn’t a natural reflex.
It’s a conscious choice.
And more often than not, it’s a choice that goes against our emotions.
When tension rises…
When someone crosses the line…
When life feels unfair…
Our instincts take over.
And those instincts aren’t always our best guide.
They tempt us to retaliate.
To answer aggression with aggression.
To stop being the “nice guy” or the “nice girl.”
After all, when you’ve turned the other cheek enough times…
It starts to hurt.
A Simple Conversation That Changed My Perspective
This thought came back to me yesterday during a family gathering.
Nothing extraordinary had happened.
Someone left earlier than expected.
There was confusion about the departure time.
The car ride home was filled with tension.
During a stop, my youngest son summed it up in one sentence:
“Nobody ever shows up on time anyway, so why get upset about it?”
I understood his frustration.
But I saw it as a perfect teaching moment.
I wanted to talk to him about consistency.
I explained that even if other people arrive late, our responsibility doesn’t change.
Not because we want to look good.
Not because we’re trying to be “the nice person.”
But because you can’t correct poor behavior by copying it.
The moment you do…
You lose your credibility.
I could tell he wasn’t completely convinced.
And that’s perfectly normal.
At sixteen years old, fairness often means everyone should play by the same rules.
That conversation immediately brought me back to my years as a manager.
When Ego Takes the Wheel
The night shift is a world of its own.
Fatigue.
Pressure.
Limited recognition.
It’s the perfect environment for emotions to overflow.
I remember one employee saying to me one evening:
“If that guy talks to me like that one more time, I’m going to punch him.”
The message was clear.
I invited him into my office.
I asked him to sit down.
Take a breath.
Then I calmly said:
“I understand your frustration. Your coworker’s behavior is unacceptable, and I’ll deal with it. But before we go any further, remember this: you’re the only person who gets to choose your reaction. And you’ll have to live with the consequences of that choice.”
I reminded him of our workplace policy.
Zero tolerance for violence.
Physical or psychological.
“If you decide to hit him, that will be your last action as an employee.
But if you stay calm…
I’ll take responsibility for resolving the situation.”
That conversation almost always diffused the tension.
Because anger is often born from a feeling of helplessness.
The moment you remind someone they still control their own response…
You give them their power back.
Saturday Night Retaliation
On another occasion, while managing one of my warehouse teams, I noticed a strange pattern.
Rotating absenteeism.
Every evening, a different employee would call in sick…
To “get even” with the coworker who had been absent the previous day.
A silent cycle of revenge.
When I confronted them, I realized something important.
It wasn’t laziness.
It was ego.
So I told them openly:
“If you no longer enjoy your job, you’re free to leave. But punishing one another by not showing up only hurts the entire team. You’re better than that.”
Some lowered their eyes.
Others reflected.
The absenteeism stopped.
Once again, the lesson was the same.
You don’t correct unacceptable behavior…
By displaying unacceptable behavior yourself.
The Emotional Mirror
This applies at work.
But it also applies at home.
In a relationship, when one person raises their voice, the natural instinct is often to do the same.
“I’m not going to let someone yell at me.”
And suddenly…
Two people who love each other are shouting louder and louder just to prove they’re right.
The discussion spirals.
The tension grows.
Everyone walks away frustrated.
In those moments, only one person can save the conversation.
The one who chooses to lower the temperature.
Not by giving in.
But by remaining in control.
That’s what leading by example really is.
Choosing balance…
When everything inside you wants to react.
Why Is It So Difficult?
Because leading by example isn’t natural.
It requires energy.
Patience.
And the ability to put your ego aside.
In today’s performance-driven world, that can easily be mistaken for weakness.
In reality…
It’s the exact opposite.
Leading by example is a quiet form of leadership.
Demanding.
Often invisible.
Yet incredibly powerful.
It’s the ability to say:
“I can’t control other people’s behavior. But I can always control how I respond.”
And that changes everything.
What This Experience Taught Me
1. The Pause Is a Leadership Skill
Knowing when to pause before responding is a strength.
A leader who takes a breath before speaking sends a powerful message:
Reason comes before reaction.
2. Reinforce the Standard, Not the Emotion
When someone crosses the line, don’t mirror their anger.
Calmly remind them of the expectations, the facts, and the consequences.
Quiet authority inspires far more than loud anger.
3. Accountability Is Contagious
When a leader admits a mistake, it gives others permission to do the same.
Humility builds trust.
Pride creates distance.
4. Zero Tolerance Must Be Crystal Clear
Healthy workplaces require clear boundaries.
Tolerating violence, whether verbal or physical, destroys psychological safety.
5. Teach Before You Punish
A consequence may solve today’s problem.
An explanation can change tomorrow’s behavior.
6. Adults Make Choices
A leader’s role isn’t to control people.
It’s to remind them that every decision comes with consequences.
Give people a choice.
Then let them own the outcome.
Three Small Actions You Can Take Tomorrow
If you want to build a culture of accountability and lead by example, start small.
The 30-Second Rule
Before responding to a provocation, take a deep breath and wait thirty seconds.
That brief pause is often enough for your emotions to settle.
The Constructive Debrief
After a conflict, gather the people involved and ask three simple questions:
- What happened?
- What impact did it have?
- What do we do next?
Make One Visible Leadership Choice Every Week
Every week, intentionally demonstrate the behavior you expect from others.
Admit a mistake.
Thank a colleague.
Arrive on time.
These small, visible actions shape culture far more effectively than any speech ever could.
Leading by Example Isn’t Weakness, It’s Leadership
Leading by example means choosing consistency over reaction.
It means refusing to let someone else’s behavior dictate your own.
It means becoming a steady point of reference…
Even when everything around you feels unstable.
True leadership isn’t measured by authority.
It’s measured by self-control.
And self-control is what transforms ordinary teams into resilient, respectful, and high-performing ones.
The next time someone provokes you, ask yourself one simple question:
“Am I about to imitate… or elevate?”
Because in the long run…
Anger never builds trust.
Example does.
Carl-Michael Tessier, M.Sc., MBA
Supporting the Overlooked Managers Working Evenings, Nights, and Weekends
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